Feeling the Love

Wow. Somewhere last week I hit the mental wall - just too tired and worn out. Too many hours, too much stress, and a lot of heat (brought on by BOB and the Command). Just a bad combination. Found myself one morning in the back of the Breadtruck rumbling off to work, and I couldn't speak, or move, or really think. Usually I am the morning person (much to the extreme annoyance of pretty much everyone in our shop), but at that point I was just useless. We got to work, and we started doing our thing and it was just on automatic. Today I am good. Compared to people Forward, we don't have it nearly as bad - I know that, and appreciate not having people dropping stuff on my head. Which brings us to our next subject: going Forward. Since I arrived here it has been a possibility that I could get pushed further up into Theater. I have accepted that, and in fact, on some level, I welcome the opportunity. Well, a few weeks ago I was tasked with driving a SF guy to catch a flight. We talked, he liked me, and said that if he ever needed someone to do whatever it is that we do, he might have a spot for me. Well, that SF guy called back and requested me, by name (which, in our community, is crazy-go-nuts special - especially when it concerns a nobody like me). That set off a huge explosion (figuratively), and my chain of command was wondering what-the-**** (my big boss had no problem - in fact he was impressed, but our middle boss is ticked-off, because he thinks that I somehow went off the reservation, and began, in his words, "Prospecting" - whatever that means...). Now I am in some sort of limbo - apparently, either I will actully get pushed Forward to The Stan, or, I will languish here until my time is up. I guess that was what was the catalyst that depressed me. One of my coping mechanisms is that I don't allow myself to think about the next day (never mind next week!). Each day blends into the next with really no change, and it is always a perpetual Monday - or, as we call it, Daily Vanilla. But a few days back I realized that I have been here doing this job for over two months, and that I was almost in the middle of this deployment - and instead of seeing my cup as half-full, I was just noticing that I was at the bottom of the cup, and that rim was so waaaay up there (how the hell was I supposed to clamber out of this cup?)... um, yeah, well, you kinda-sorta get the gist, right? Anyhow, right now, I would like to go Forward - if anything, to break this cycle, but also, because I could actually do something that would really matter, and maybe, in my small-person way, help to prosecute this war, and maybe even contribute to ending it (yeah, right - like that is going to happen - but that is how I feel, so let me go with it). Right now, I will continue to do the job, and that will have to suffice.